Not your usual M-L forum content...

kendiggy · Joined: 30 Nov 2004 Posts: 366 Location: not here

Guys, I've got a dilemma.

I don't know what to do. None of my friends seem to have any worthwhile advice or don't understand how big of a deal this is.

I'm about to meet my father for the first time ever. He didn't know I even existed until two days ago.

I'm 24 years old, I'll be 25 next month. I was adopted when I was four years old. I was with those parents since I was 2 and a half. Now, I'm not gonna go into alot of detail about those people except to say that I don't live with them anymore and I haven't talked to them in three years. Apparently, they all hate me and the feeling is mutual. I've got physical and mental scars from them that will never go away. (I can't feel the right half of my head)

Now, the only person whom I still talk to from my adoptive family is my sister whom is forty something years old. She went through worse shit than me with those people. She recognized the symptoms of PTSD (post traumatic stress syndrome) in me and decided to help. She referred me to several mental health clinics and friends that she knew. Well, I didn't go.

See, part of the drawback to PTSD is that you don't "Take care of business" so to say. In other words, you don't act on decisions that can affect your future life. Basically, you keep digging yourself a hole and you never get out of it unless you get some sort of professional help.

Now, like I said, she went through all this before I did and she knew how hard it is to commit yourself to something like that under those conditions, and, even after me not calling her for like four months, she never gave up on me. She kept looking for ways to get me to go to counseling. In the mean time, she was always suggesting that I look for my real parents. Once again, I never did. Part of the reasoning for that is my low self esteem, I was afraid of what they would think of me, especially with all the financial problems I built up for myself.

But she went ahead and found them for me anyway. At least, she found my father.

Well, he called me today. He's a retired police officer and does private investigating now. He's married for 22 years and has two daughters. When he first heard about me, he thought it was some sort of prank by maybe some crackhead he locked up years ago trying to get his revenge. So he sent one of his friends to watch my house for a couple days (my sister gave him my phone number and the street I lived on, not the house address). When he found out the situation was genuine, he thought back about it and eliminated it down to one woman whom my mother could be and it wasn't his wife. Well, apparently he's pretty pissed off about the fact that she never told him.

But, he seems to be trying to be pretty open-minded and straight forward about the whole situation. He invited me out for lunch today. I took him up on the invite.

Now, here's my problem.

I don't know what to say to this guy. I've never had a dad before. Like, I did, but he wasn't a dad. I didn't know what a dad really was until six months ago when my daughter was born. Obviously I shouldn't be calling him dad, at least, not for a while. But, like I had said earlier, I don't want him to know about the holes that I've dug myself. I really want to get out of them. And, I could use some help. He told me "I'm a family man, and I don't like to leave members of my family out in the rain". But I don't feel right asking him for help, or even accepting it if he offers first. I'm not even gonna bring it up if I don't have to, but unfortunately it's still in the back of my mind.

I understand, first things first. I gotta get to know the guy. That's obvious. But, he's gonna want to know what I've been doing with myself and what my plans are for the future, etc. I can't lie to the guy. And even if did lie, he's a retired cop and a private investigator, he'll smell the lie and look into it, and then I'm in a bigger hole.

Now, I know it sounds like that's my biggest concern, whether or not to take money off this guy. First of all, I'm %100 aware that it wouldn't be right of me to do it. Second, it's not my biggest concern.

My biggest concern is what this guy is gonna think of me. I really don't wanna disappoint him. I'm so afraid that he's gonna see me and all the shit I've got myself in and he's just gonna reject me, or something. I don't know. And I've never been good at meeting new people. I always send off the wrong vibes because I'm always nervous and jittery. I end up saying the wrong thing, or something comes out the wrong way, or my A.D.D. kicks in and I look like a retard. I don't know man, I really don't. I don't even know what else to tell you guys or what I'm even saying.

I guess I just want some sort of feedback, some sort of wider angle on the situation than what I've got. An outside point of view. Or someone who experienced something similar. What were your thoughts, feelings, fears, etc.? I guess that's it... wish me luck at lunch tomorrow.

TheMuffinMan · Joined: 30 Apr 2005 Posts: 12

I haven't been in exaclty the same situation but I would say i've been in a situation which is similar. I didn't see my dad for the majority of my childhood. In college he came back into my life and we made a decision to be part of each others lives. So i hope my comments can be relavent to your current situation. I also have some serious anxiety and depression issues so it was not a cake walk.

The thing is that you want to present yourself honestly. Now I am not saying specifically throw everything that is bad in your life onto him. However, you should maybe tell him about the severity of your situation and if you feel uncomfortable about providing more details just say so. I would probably try to touch on more surface things in the beginning and then go from there.

Ultimately if he is going to accept you as his son, it is going to have to be the person you are and not any preconcieved notion. So he is going to eventually have to know the whole truth so to speak. But just as you would be going out with a girl for the first time (weird analogy i know) you wouldn't tell her about all your problems right then and there.

Also, you can't assume that he will be the conception that you may have of him. Just take it slow and play it by ear. Hopefully he will be willing to help you with the current situation. However, i would make sure before anything that he is not doing it out of a sense of guilt or duty. You do not want to feel guilty for his actions.

Hopefully he will be sensitive enough to your feelings to not press the situation if you feel uncomfortable. But my best advise is to just be honest with restraint. And if you are anxious when talking to him just interject and let him know whats causing that anxiety because it will probably calm you to just let him know the reason for your unsettled nature etc.

Anyway i hope what i have said helped at least a little. Good luck with meeting your dad and i hope it works out for the best. It seems as though you deserve that at this point in your life.

Btw my dad and i now have a great relationship. It took some time but it is really what a father son relationship should be. I wish the same for you.

Buffalo-Wing · Joined: 31 Oct 2004 Posts: 16

Just give him a big kiss !

FusionFire · Joined: 18 Jan 2006 Posts: 221

I'm 25 and have been an only child of a single parent my whole life. My father left when I was 1 and i havn't seen or heard from him. Ever. Honestly, I know its a hard situation to handle. But all the advice I can give is to sit down and think, what is he thinking....and then try and act in accordance with what would make both of you more comfortable. Maybe it means meeting with him around other famiy. That I dont know.Your environment is gonna be a big facotr. SO jsut think things out and bes tof luck to you.

snoopster · Joined: 04 Dec 2004 Posts: 701 Location: nj

I'm sure he has the same probelm about you; don't worry about it and just be urself.

gumonshoe · Joined: 15 Sep 2005 Posts: 433

well, i think it might be a prerequisit to be a little messed up to play magic Smile

.... i wish i never knew my real dad... i wish he were dead.... when i was 3 my mom remarried and i always thought of him as my real dad untill he started to beat me... i have severe adhd and manic depression... and stuff like that so i mean just be open minded like he is and be grateful that he is not just some deadbeata... he actually wants to know you..... you dont know what to say to people you dont know.... but you still make freinds.... just think of it like that.....

iKe · Joined: 14 Dec 2005 Posts: 524 Location: New York

Everyone has there problems....

But my dad is awesome Very Happy

WildCard · Joined: 06 Sep 2004 Posts: 735 Location: Japan

erm.. i had something here, im bad at giving advice. i say treat him like a new friend.

quidam · Joined: 22 Apr 2005 Posts: 196

Why do americans have so many mental diseases. God.

kendiggy · Joined: 30 Nov 2004 Posts: 366 Location: not here

quidam · Joined: 22 Apr 2005 Posts: 196