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The Asylum Rant - Rant 7 - Craze's Drivers Ed Class



 
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Craze



Joined: 30 Jan 2005
Posts: 5676
Location: Indiana, U

PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 6:27 pm    Post subject: The Asylum Rant - Rant 7 - Craze's Drivers Ed Class Reply with quote

starting off...

Rules of the Asylum
Rule 1. There are no real point to these
Before you yell troll, realize that I'm actually writing something that can be discussed, thus its not spam. BUT if you are to ask me why you should read this, I have no answer.

Rule 2. Nothing I say or do has any direct or indirect relation to this or any other magic league

Rule 3. These are my opinions, not yours.
Feel free to tell me yours.

Rule 4. Asylum Rants are MINE.
Don't use my name for your wannabe shit...

now on to my rant...

So my birthday was yesterday, I am the big 2-0. Which is a useless age, but whatever. Sadly I was planning a big Birthday Rant, but I had drill this weekend and didn't get home till late, was in pain, so I said "fuck it..."
However I did have a plan and why let those golden beauties go to waste? So I present to you, straight from my shitty car...

Craze's Driver's Ed Class

So before I start teaching you my wisdom, let me first spell out my credentials. I am a professional driver. Now when I told someone this before, they stupidly said "You race nascar?" And after they had recovered from my kick to their nuts, I kindly reminded them that that was a "professional racer."

A professional driver is someone who makes their living by driving.

But Craze... Wouldn't that include nascar drivers?

shhh.... I'm talking.

Now for those of you in the know, (and by in the know I mean, those of you who can read) know that I'm in the US Army. This is my main source of income and mostly what I do whenever I'm not lazing around my room. Can anyone guess what I do for the Army?
Anyone? No? You are all stupid...
I am a driver. Ta Da. To be more specific, a truck driver. But I am licensed to drive just about everything. So it's not a leap to say I know a thing or two about how to drive.

So now you know my qualifications to be your mentor in this vigorous task in which the average human seems to fail at. I will begin.

10 Things to do when driving so you won't have to clean egg shells off your fucking car/truck/face

1. Your "brights" are like a keyboard's fucking caps lock. Just Say No.

This may sound stupid, but 99% of idiots can't use them right anyway, so you just don't need to use them at all. The only real time you need these are when you're the only car in sight while on a 1-2 lane road in the middle of nowhere. Thats about the only fucking time your going to need them.

Times when you don't need them:
-When there is a car 5 feet ahead of you.
-When it's not dark yet.
-During snow, mist, or any other time water particles are falling from the fucking sky.
-On the Interstate.
-When you can see street lights.
-During the day. (grrr)
-When your car is NOT EVEN FUCKING MOVING.

See for some fucking reason, and don't ask me, car makers have decided to start making headlights as bright as humanly fucking possible. Then to make brights 10 times brighter then that. So when idiots even think it's remotely dark they flip their brights on. And you know that car 10 feet in front of them? That guy/girl that is dealing with any obstacle/curve or problem that they would need to see before them? Yeah they now need cornea transplants.
And when it's raining/snowing/misting/whatever, you turning your damn brights on blinds YOU. Yeah, water reflects light, which in turns causes you to crash. Guess into who? Most likely me.

2. Always use your turn signal when turning...well anywhere

There is NO disadvantage to turning on your turn signal. Most cars nowadays have auto features that will even turn it off for you if you forget.
There is no real work required to doing it either.
It actually takes less effort then:
-Calling someone
-Picking up your flask to take a drink. (Is it just me who has a flask holder?)
-Changing the radio station
-Putting in a new CD
-Checking out the hot "girl" in the car to your left.

And unlike all those things, it saves lives.

3. OH ME GAWD did that hott guy in the station wagon just check you out? SOOO KEWL! Fucking text your friends about it later...

People get lost, they get tired, emergencies happen, there is a dozen reasons why you might need to call someone while driving.
But text messaging? Seriously? No... just no. If you feel the need to text message someone while driving, instead go drive off a cliff. Same result for you, but the guy in the lane next to yours won't die.

4. Speeding - At a certain point it's just stupid

On the average Interstate there is usually 2 lanes.
The Right Lane. aka The Turn Lane. A lane in which you should go the speed limit.
The Left Lane. aka The Speed Lane. A lane in which you customarily should go 5-10 miles ABOVE the speed limit.

But Craze...

No, I'm not telling you it's ok to speed. I'm telling you it's pretty much expected. Yes, it's illegal, yes it can be dangerous, but lets face it, you are going to do it once in a while anyway. Everyone speeds. I speed, you speed, we all speed to go home and smoke weed.
But they're are 3 types of speeding.
Safe Speeding - done on the Left lane when the roads are not packed and the weather isn't shitty. This is generally between 5-10 miles faster then the limit.
Emergency Speeding - Typically 15-20 miles above the speed limit, done when your wife is having a baby while in the car, or when your house is burning down.
Dumbass Speeding - Typically 20^ miles above the speed limit. Done during stupid times for generally no real good reason.

Today I'm driving home from Drill, the roads are icy, I'm tired, and the guy ahead of me is doing about 10 miles above the speed limit, so I'm going about 8 as to keep a safe distance away from him(see 5). And this dumbfuck way fucking behind me is going what seemed to me at least 100. He zooms into the right lane flies past us and zooms back into the left lane a few minutes later completely cutting a guy off and for no real reason either. Fortunately it was dark and no one saw that the car was a police car until the sirens turned on. So that douche got a ticket.

5. If your car can't fit between the two in that lane, don't try anyway.

I keep 8-10 feet between me and the car in front of me. All depending on the weather and the speed we are going. This is not enough room for you to pull in front of me. I legally don't have to slow down to let you in either. So heres a better idea, don't fucking try it. If you HAVE to be in that lane, get in that lane early, don't wait till the fucking last minute then nearly kill me trying to get into it.

6. Get rid of your stupid Blue lights you fucking idiots

You can argue that this isn't a driving tip. But I can also argue that if you have a blue light anywhere on the outside of your car you are stupid.
When most people see a blue light while driving they think Police Sirens. So your stupid fashion statement causes people to jump into the right lane often cutting people off. And you can argue that people wouldn't do that in front of a cop, but I'll again just argue that people, including you, are stupid.

7. WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO YOU HAVE TO GET HEAD/HAVE SEX/ MASTURBATE WHILE DRIVING!?

No. Just no. Heres a rhyme for you:
"If your car is running, you should not be-uh cumming."

But Craze... How often do people actually do that?

I've had my driver's license and been driving for 2 years now.
And I've seen a total of 6 fucking people doing this, the stupidest was when someone was actually masturbating while going 80 on an interstate. You don't think people look into your cars? People are nosy. And even when they aren't, when you're driving stupidly, people like me like to flip you off. So don't think your not going to get caught jacking off.

But Craze... It feels soo good!!!

I agree. But getting a blowjob makes you distracted, it makes you wanna sit back and close your eyes. This is wonderful, except when your driving.

But Craze... you soo wouldn't turn down a blowjob

Bullshit I wouldn't. I've done it. I had a girlfriend that loved to screw around in unorthodox places, which is fucking awesome WHEN YOUR NOT DRIVING.
She unzipped my pants and I was like "oh hell no, I'm NOT going to die for you."

Trust me, no orgasm is worth your life. And more importantly the person(s) lives that are driving around you either.

8. "HAHAHAHA I'm gonna inch up in this traffic jam by driving up on this railroad track"

Ever see Hancock? Sorry but Will Smith will not save your ass.

9. Don't pick up things you drop

It's simple, yet people still don't seem to get it nevertheless. Keep your eyes on the road. I know you're thirsty and your cup is wet with condensation, your hands are all greasy from lube, and your cup just happened to fall on the floor. Pull over then pick it up.

10. Most important advice I have yet to give you comes in 2 parts.

Part 1) Best method to driving is defensively. Always assume the idiot won't use his turn signal and will pull over in front of you.
Always assume they are going to hit their breaks randomly. Always watch for them to run that light or stop sign. Cause in the long run on that road all you really have to rely on is yourself.

Part 2) Don't get upset by idiots. And this takes a slightly more serious note. My brother's best friend was cut off one day after school while driving home with his girlfriend. He thought he'd be all manly and shit and follow the dude and kick his ass. What he didn't know was that dude was a wasted and had a gun. And that cost him and his girl their lives.
Drive safely and don't hold grudges.

Until next time,
I'm Craze, and my car's breaks are fucking amazing.
-TomW


Last edited by Craze on Sun Feb 15, 2009 2:10 pm; edited 4 times in total
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metzel_usa



Joined: 01 Jan 2006
Posts: 124

PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

english 101 : they're = they are....When they are are street lights? that makes no sense at all....i'll let you figure that out...craze i hate you cause you look like a kid with downs

Last edited by metzel_usa on Mon Dec 08, 2008 2:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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AnubisEnd



Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

8. "HAHAHAHA I'm gonna inch up in this traffic jam by driving up on this railroad track"

Ever see Hancock? Sorry but Will Smith will not save your ass.


- Rolling on the fucking floor, laughing my fucking ass off
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coolcreep



Joined: 18 Feb 2006
Posts: 588

PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Aren't the things you talked about in Rant 1 in direct violation of rule 10 part 2?
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rdeg87



Joined: 29 Apr 2007
Posts: 313

PostPosted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Metzel you do realise there are two settings to your headlights
Dimmed and Full.
He did specify Sad
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DS_McWerp
Level 1 Judge


Joined: 15 Aug 2006
Posts: 93

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 1:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My pet peeve to do with driving is when people drive around in the day with their lights off. Do you want some other dumbass to not notice you? It is so much easier to see someone who's lights are on. Do you want to get in an accident with another idiot? fuck.

but maybe thats just me...
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Craze



Joined: 30 Jan 2005
Posts: 5676
Location: Indiana, U

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

metzel_usa wrote:
english 101 : they're = they are....When they are are street lights? that makes no sense at all....i'll let you figure that out...craze i hate you cause you look like a kid with downs


I write rants when I feel motivated too. This normally happens after a long day of work/drill in which I get pissed and want to bitch about things. And this also is usually late when I'm tired.
Now if you are to look at a rant right after I first post it, the mistakes are tremendous. And that's because I'm human and tired when writing these. However over the next fews after writing them, I go back and read them over and over correcting any mistakes I can find.

So you're going to find grammar/spelling mistakes... It's a forum thread, get over it. No one's perfect. And for the record, I'll be completely honest and say I never have been able to figure out the whole "there" or "their" thing. But then again your not perfect either as you like to use "..." rather then normal periods.

coolcreep wrote:

Aren't the things you talked about in Rant 1 in direct violation of rule 10 part 2?


No. I don't hold grudges against anyone on the road. I might throw an egg at them, but thats kinda like me calling them an idiot. It's my little way of showing them they fail at driving.
People HAVE followed me into parking lots before and yelled at me for hitting them with an egg. I just explain to them that compared to them risking everyone else's lives on the road, my egg really didn't cause any harm. Except forcing them to clean their car, which lets face it, needed it anyway.
If things get to heated, I carry a knife and a registered firearm. Showing either generally ends things there and allows me to go on with my day.[/quote]
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Craze



Joined: 30 Jan 2005
Posts: 5676
Location: Indiana, U

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

DS_McWerp wrote:
My pet peeve to do with driving is when people drive around in the day with their lights off. Do you want some other dumbass to not notice you? It is so much easier to see someone who's lights are on. Do you want to get in an accident with another idiot? fuck.

but maybe thats just me...


If you can't see someone on the road during the daytime, perhaps you shouldn't be driving?
I always thought daylights were kinda pointless. I mean when it starts to get dark, turn on your headlights.
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AnubisEnd



Joined: 22 Nov 2008
Posts: 10

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 8:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Is it just me, or does anyone else get brain anuerisms from those blue halogen headlamps?
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Delicious



Joined: 08 Jun 2007
Posts: 883

PostPosted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 11:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

On my car, i have day-time running lights. Saves on my insurance Very Happy
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Bejeezus



Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 1796
Location: Right Here

PostPosted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 5:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Craze wrote:
DS_McWerp wrote:
My pet peeve to do with driving is when people drive around in the day with their lights off. Do you want some other dumbass to not notice you? It is so much easier to see someone who's lights are on. Do you want to get in an accident with another idiot? fuck.

but maybe thats just me...


If you can't see someone on the road during the daytime, perhaps you shouldn't be driving?
I always thought daylights were kinda pointless. I mean when it starts to get dark, turn on your headlights.


I'm in agreement with Craze. I find it quite pointless to drive during the day with your lights on. Lol. Around here, doing that is is sometimes an easy way to profile Canadians... You know, other than license plates.

And on a side note, the blue halogen lights piss me off.

- Bejeezus
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